If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
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I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
I believe the plural is “milves.”
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
I’m sorry…what?
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.