Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
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Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
rich people when they have to pay taxes
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
HR said no more nunchucks.
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist