The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
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if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
shit just got real
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong