thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
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The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”