Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
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My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
fired
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars