Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
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Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
We all have our pet causes.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich