Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
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“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
🖤✌🏽
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.