Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
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When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
shit just got real
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”