People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
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Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
I need this for my side hustle.
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
never forget
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
Another interesting #factupdates post!
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11