So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
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“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
The three genders.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.