god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
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I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
Saturday
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
Breaking news:
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
shit, they caught us—run!!!
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!