medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
You Might Also Like
nature’s most graceful animal
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
Good advice.
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*