I was bored.
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You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
I can fix him.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.