Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
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My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.