Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
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I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
just witnessed a drug deal
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
They also CAN sing✌️
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
Food gives you energy to nap more.