Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
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Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
44.65
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44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*