High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
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genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
Saving my good tweets for marriage
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.