Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
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Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.