There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
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therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.