I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
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When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
Called it
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
#DesignFail
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.