So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
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So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
Alexa: *deep breath*
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime