British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
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Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.