*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
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Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”