Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
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My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
RT if you could go either way.
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.