I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
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[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
the chicken was already gone when I got here
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no