My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
You Might Also Like
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil