Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
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my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
BETRAYAL
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.