Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
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I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.