Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
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i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please