Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
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Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?