Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
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A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do