A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
You Might Also Like
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
i want the dreams to chase me for once
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.