KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
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if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
How to find Kentucky on a map
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.