I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
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I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
Alexa: *deep breath*
Education is vital
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid