I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
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So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
No one :
Me when I swimming :
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
Geez man, take it easy.
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
Lmaoo 😂