Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
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my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
lmaaaaaooooooooo
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.