The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
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my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.