What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
You Might Also Like
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
*frowns in Scottish*
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
This has made my week.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich