*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
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Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it