Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
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They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
Baking is just science you can eat.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.