Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
You Might Also Like
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
Me checking my bank balance online.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus