Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
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Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
TRAIN’S HERE
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
This pepper has seen some shit
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.