the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
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[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
Time for evil
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
Great acting.. 😂