btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
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Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
liiiiiiiiike
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.