They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
You Might Also Like
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
2023 was just a warmup
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…