me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
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Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
The biggest mystery of our time
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”