[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
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“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
Oh yeah that’s it
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
This a good idea
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
Godspeed, John Glenn
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer