*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
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[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
Leaving the Barbers like
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope