Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
You Might Also Like
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed