[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
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Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
You saw nothing. I am ham.
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.